While I was away...

12.22.09
So much has raced through my mind these past few months, yet I’m not sure what to say now. Lots of thinking … but what exactly I’ve been thinking about I can’t say. Not because of some desire for secrecy, but because I’m really not certain what has occupied my thoughts. At least, not in any coherent sense. I know I need to find a home church here, but I just can’t bring myself to replace Shoreline. Shoreline is still my home church, my God family. I don’t like the idea of someone or thing else taking that place. It just meant too much to me. I’m homesick for them. For it. I may have found a church to go to, but I’ve been sick every stupid Sunday so who knows. (I can only guess it will be great, seeing as how Mr Fiery Pants is making it so difficult for me to go) At any rate, I miss my Shoreline family and the support and conviction they gave so lovingly every week. I miss my community group and I especially miss Mere. It’s near impossible to have the connection and shared moments we had over a telephone. Ugh. That brings me to the main point of dwelling these last months. I’ve prayed that it not become an idol, or continue to be one. Though I fear it is, and I am incredibly weak to it. Love. Not just having a relationship, but True Everlasting LOVE. I long for someone to share my ups and downs with, to walk with, to laugh with… a true partner. Someone to challenge me and be challenged by me. I see that kind of relationship between Mere and Phil and am so excited at the possibilities that lie ahead for them. They are planning their wedding and I feel like knowing their journey together, being involved in it, has been like being a part of a fairy tale. What they share is so beautiful to witness. I cannot help but smile and rejoice in what I see. And long for it myself. I know God has a plan for me, I would not be here now if He didn’t, but in this aspect of my life I find it increasingly difficult to be patient. I try to remind myself constantly… every time I catch myself dreaming of my own Darcy, I take a breath and tell myself be patient and He will bring your Darcy. Wait.
Sometimes, being human sucks. Especially in a time where we’ve become so accustomed to getting everything or anything we want almost instantly… a time when anything is within grasp… we do not know or understand the concept of waiting. We think 5 minutes should be enough, and that 10 is forever. Gah. Patience is truly, quite the virtue.
So I’m quite lovestruck at the present. Not one person in particular, but the effect, the observation, the results… almost an anthropological view, only with a longing to experience it as well as study it. I’m becoming focused on relationships with characteristics I’d enjoy replicated in my real life… Lizzy and Darcy, Booth and Bones… Ugh. Maybe I’m just trying to rediscover what it is I’m looking for in a partner, maybe I’m just dreaming. Maybe… maybe I’m just scared of singleness. Afraid this feeling of losing will grow to spite and worse. I have a penchant for impossible relationships. Maybe for fear of being hurt, judged unworthy or simply not good enough, left for something better, getting taken advantage of, of having screwed up already, of screwing it up, of being damaged goods… Of having crappy self-esteem and missing a golden opportunity… of not giving myself enough credit, of falling for the wrong guy, for getting passed/looked over, for getting turned down, being just friends, for a million other reasons. If it doesn’t stand a chance of working, forget it. If it does, I’m ignorant. But give me a million to 1, and I’ll fall. Because I can’t be afraid of something that doesn’t have a decent chance. I maintain control, I can’t get hurt. Unless by my own stupidity which makes those instances that much more painful. [two years later, I’m still healing] All of my closest friends have husbands now. [well, Mere will. Fiance in the meantime.] It’s a rough time. I’m 27, single, no children, no job, living with my parents and broke. Education sure, but how is that going to even come up in the conversations when there’s all the other crap? I can’t help but think a guy is going to wonder what’s wrong with me since I haven’t been married before. I can’t help but wonder what’s wrong with me. What’s broken, not right? What do I need to "fix?" Should I fix it, or is that worse than having something that’s different aka broken? I DON’T KNOW. I don’t want to be a single career woman. I enjoy my career, yes. When I’m working. But I want a family. I want my own kid(s) one day. I want a partner now. Again, PATIENCE. (Stupid Mr Fiery Pants) So I attach my feelings to men I can’t have. Men who are either too far away, and I won’t see, perhaps ever again, or that I hardly know. I romanticize everything. I daydream. I want my apartment back. I wish I still lived in Long Beach, that I wasn’t broke. That I could stand on my balcony, look toward the sunrise, and dream. That I could stand on the beach, wind across my face, sun on my shoulders, and feel peace. I feel pressured and confined right now… like I need to have such-and-such done or be in such-and-such place in this many years/months and I haven’t even begun. Like a shaken can of coke. Top all that off with the worst self-image in my life and I’ve a recipe for miserable. I weigh-in around 210-215lbs. Ouch. That hurts to write as well as see. When I started grad school 3.5 years ago I weighed 185 on a bad day. Three years ago I was up to about 190/195. Vowed that scale would never see 200. (Save when I start a family or something serious later in life) By February I was 210. W.T.F.Ironically, the only time I managed to lose weight, I was pregnant, eating horrifically (thanks tech and ACTF) and stressed to the maximum. I LOST 15lbs. which snuck back in less than 3 months (STRESS/DEPRESSION). Probably the only person in my circle of friends and family that explode to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man during stress. Everyone else waifed away. Jerks. I feel like the least attractive woman. I can’t look in a mirror without wanting to cry, though I still tried to dance around the studio when I had it to myself last week… working on the lighting rig. I felt twice the size I was in my undergrad days… and I thought I was heavy back then. Ha. I’m just tired of trying and getting nowhere, of being the fat grandkid at every family function, of being the girl who is always just a friend, of getting moody after having to try on clothes at a store (it’s aggravating and depressing all at once), of never feeling wanted or pursued. I really think that’s how I got into the relationships I’ve had… those men pursued me, which is so unusual for me that I of course fell for them. (side note: I’ve prided myself on my intelligence in the past, but feel I lost ground in grad school. I should have increased my knowledge and instead feel like I became dumber. I don’t write as well as I used to and my communication skills just hit the pits. Spelling is pretty crappy tonight too, but I’m hoping that has to do with the respiratory cold I’m fighting along with the sleepiness and nothing else.
So yeah. Oh. And if Red calls me again to talk about Sam this or Sam that, this guy this or that guy that… blah blah blah… I may go postal. She doesn’t understand and when I try to explain it she blows me off as being some whiny baby. Suck it up and come out with me she says. Ugh. ME. It’s always about HER. She has no idea how it feels to constantly be compared to her whenever we go out together. She’s pretty, she’s thin, she’s cute, she’s all that… I don’t know. Maybe it’s how she felt in regards to school and me. I want to lose 45lbs and get my self esteem back. Gah. This isn’t making much sense now. Sleepy rambling of a distraught mind. Well, occupied at the least. Contemplative. Weddings and babies abound. One of these days, maybe I’ll have my turn. Instead of the "teases" I’ve had. Tease of being engaged but not the right guy, tease of being a mom but not the right anything, tease of being independent but can’t find steady income, tease of finding a match only to never get questions and instead receive lots of closed requests. I want to be held and comforted and cuddled… and I imagine it right now from a friendly source… still highly improbable though not impossible. There is a love there, but our physical paths may never cross again. So, improbable wins. Again. Woo. here’s praying for patience and focus this season and into the New Year. Forget resolutions. I pray for change. Change in me so I can continue to change the world around me. To better days, and the Golden Rule…
clink clink ::toasts glass::

~Zeriah

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12.28.09
I’ve become slightly obsessed (not in the creepy way, but in the time consuming way) with a particular television show. More importantly, the relationships in this show. And it all, again, comes down to my desire for love. Romantic love. My unfailing ability to fall for people I cannot have, things out of my reach, etc. idolize? Maybe. Idealize? Sure. Being ill and having time on my hands hasn’t helped much either. Ugh. Why do you always think of things that you want to remember at the most inappropriate times? Like in the shower?! Now I can’t remember how I phrased things… and I had it just right. Gah.
Does the relationship I envision exist in reality? Can it? I don’t know, but I worry the answer to both of those inquiries is no. I don’t know if a man exists that can live up to the fairy tale I’ve created in my mind. The dream in my head. I don’t even know where to begin looking for him. I know God has a plan for me and that when the time is right, He’ll put him in my life… but I have to be active in my life for that to happen. God can’t do anything with me if I sit at home all day. How can I carry out his plan if I’m not actively pursuing life? But, with no job on the horizon, and no money in the bank, student loans, and a credit card debt… I find myself at quite a foggy place in my journey. No direction I could take is clearer than another, no amount of looking is providing me with any leads to follow. Guess I’m just waiting for a push in the right direction… I need work to bury myself into. Something I can commit to. Somewhere for me to use my hands and skills and feel a little more validated. But I’d be lying if I thought having work would keep me focused if my own Seeley Booth walked into my life. My own Darcy… a strong yet lion-hearted man in whose arms I felt the world disappear. Ohhhh… I am SUCH a hopeless romantic puddle of a woman. Oy. Someone rescue me from this nonsense.In other news, I’m still sick, Christmas for whatever reasons didn’t feel like Christmas this year, and the New Year is just around the corner… crazy. I didn’t set goals or resolutions last year, aside from trying to get healthy again, which was more of a daily thing and not a special NYE resolution. I’ve grown to thinking oddly of resolutions… why should you only put pressure on changing for the better one evening a year? Cause I know most of you have stopped going to the gym after about 2 weeks… ;)
~Zeriah

i need a moment... or twelve.

I should write in here more. really. I want to. I just get preoccupied or busy with other things. ugh. that's awful to have to admit. I push this aside for other things when I really need to write. I wish I could record what goes through my mind as I'm running at the gym or driving... because I can never remember once I stop what the heck I was thinking about in the first place. :/
anyhow, I'm just logging in to quickly skim the entries from last year and write a quick blog until I can get back here and essentially vomit keystrokes until my fingers fall off in order to get up to date and more.
hopes, dreams, thoughts, wishes, prayers, reality... so much to say and I really should have the discipline to do it. but alas, not tonight. Ha.
Back to editing the design of my stationary to print and mail out tomorrow... even if it's sleeting out there. ick. i really don't care for cold AND wet weather. snow is different, it's snow and not sleet. well, it's all ice, but... oh forget it. ;)
till next time...
~Z